Dr. Dana Dorfman

Upcoming Events

Dr. Dana Dorfman — Wed, 05 Jul 2023 17:10:16 +0000

If you’re interested in booking Dana for your upcoming event, fill out the form below.

When: Sunday, October 29, 2023
Where: Temple B’nai Jeshurun – Short Hills, NJ
Registration link coming soon

When: Thursday, February 1, 2024 at 7:30pm ET
Where: UJA-JCC Greenwich – Greenwich, CT
Register to attend

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Cognitive Reframing: A Great Tool for Parents & Teens

Dr. Dana Dorfman — Tue, 12 Jan 2021 18:54:25 +0000

January 3, 2021, Dr. Dorfman co-authored an article on Teen Brain Trust.

The thing about habitual ways of thinking is that once we have them they’re really hard to get rid of. This is mostly fine because a great number of our thought patterns are super helpful. But every now and then we run into one of our habitual ways of thinking that is not helpful or even unhealthy and destructive. What are we to do in this case? This is where cognitive reframing can help.

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Why Are Teens So Socially Awkward?

Dr. Dana Dorfman — Sun, 03 Jan 2021 18:52:59 +0000

January 3, 2021, Dr. Dorfman co-authored an article on Teen Brain Trust.

If you’ve taken our course on Teenage Motivation you know we go on ad nauseum about how engaging in social situations is one of the primary drivers of teenage behavior. If this is true and teenagers are obsessed with thriving in social environments then how are they so clumsy and awkward in social situations? Well, there are a number of factors at work here so let’s take a moment to examine a few individually.

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14 Cognitive Distortions That Might be Living in Your Head Rent Free

Dr. Dana Dorfman — Sun, 27 Dec 2020 18:52:00 +0000

December 27, 2020, Dr. Dorfman co-authored an article on Teen Brain Trust.

When’s the last time you questioned the nature of your reality? Every human being on this planet is out there living their life, right now, believing things about themselves and the world that don’t match up with reality and those beliefs are affecting their behavior. Yes, even you, reading this article.

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How Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Can Help You Parent

Dr. Dana Dorfman — Sun, 20 Dec 2020 18:49:50 +0000

December 20, 2020, Dr. Dorfman co-authored an article on Teen Brain Trust.

We at Teen Brain Trust are big fans of CBT, and if you’re a regular consumer of our courses and other content you’ll find a lot of CBT nuggets sprinkled throughout it. In fact, part of our mission is to reframe a schema for our whole society, the one that views adolescents and teenagers as a ‘problem, or as problematic’. So for you nerds out there, let’s dig in a little deeper and take a look at how and why it works.

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What are Schemas and Why are They in Your Head?

Dr. Dana Dorfman — Sun, 13 Dec 2020 18:40:36 +0000

December 13, 2020, Dr. Dorfman co-authored an article on Teen Brain Trust.

If you’re a human being, it’s natural for you to create schemas around what things are and how they work. If we didn’t then we’d go through life encountering every thing and situation as if for the first time, with none of our previous experience to back us up. It would be an incredibly inefficient way to live.

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Dads Worry Too

Dr. Dana Dorfman — Mon, 10 Feb 2020 21:46:04 +0000

February 10, 2020, Dr. Dorfman was published in Psychology Today about dads and arguments with their teens.

Dear dads: Arguments with your teen could be rooted in anxiety.

Although, as a culture, we often stereotype moms as the parents who are anxious about their teen‘s future, the reality is, fathers have anxiety about their teen’s prospects too. Whether it’s related to academics, sports, or having the “right” friends, fathers also fear that internal or external factors will block their child from success—they just may be less inclined to recognize and call it anxiety.

When I work with fathers who frequently argue with their teen, they often say (loudly):

” He/she’s gotta learn x about life!”
“She/he is going to need x to succeed!”
“I’m just trying to protect him/her from x!”
“I’m just trying to prevent x from happening to her/him!

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Understanding your Teen’s Time Management Anxiety Mode

Dr. Dana Dorfman — Tue, 14 Jan 2020 14:45:21 +0000

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of your teen’s snapping, “Stop nagging me,” stood in your entryway barking, “You’re going to be late!” or watched your teen unravel under the stress of having too much on their plate, you have witnessed “time management anxiety” in action.

In our pressured, distractible, and over stimulating world, completing tasks requires a unique interplay between our rational and emotional minds. From a brain wiring standpoint, time management is innately more difficult for some people than for others. Executive functioning — planning, organizing, and executing tasks in a timely manner — is a developmentally neurological process. However, there is a strong emotional component that complicates the process — anxiety!

Teens are especially challenged when it comes to managing time and anxiety. I’ve mediated countless arguments between parents and teens whose Time Management Anxiety Modes clash. If you’re having conflicts with your teen about time, before you offer them well-intended strategies and swoop in to rescue them, start by validating the underlying anxieties at the source of their time challenges. Research shows that the mere labeling of emotions helps to manage them.

To help you understand the emotional roots of your teen’s time management, I’ve outlined five common Time Management Anxiety Modes that I see in my practice.

5 Time Management Anxiety Modes

Procrastinator

As a recovering procrastinator, I have a soft spot for students who treat tomorrow like a miraculous cure-all. During adolescence, I mastered the art of dreading and avoiding a task until my internal desperation became too intolerable to bear. If your teen puts things off, they’re probably doing it to avoid feeling inadequate. While they’re fully aware that they’re delaying, they may not realize that they’re doing it to protect themselves from painful feelings. Procrastination feels bad, but inadequacy and incompetence feel worse. The closer their deadline gets, the more shame they feel.

Adrenaline Surfer (cousin of the Procrastinator)

If your teen always waits until the absolutely very, very last minute to work on things, they may need the physiological and neurological excitement of adrenaline to propel them forward. Like an athlete before a game, or performer before a show, nervous energy motivates them. They may have shame about feeling lazy because they have so much trouble getting things done without external pressure.

Early Bird (aka Adrenaline Avoider)

Early Birds complete assignments days before they’re due and arrive early for appointments. The adrenaline rush of deadlines and time pressures are unbearable for them. They do everything in their power to avoid them. The mere thought of staying up the night before a deadline, running through the airport to catch a plane, or not being seated well before the bell rings, gives them anxiety.

Misjudgers

Does your teen underestimate how long tasks will take and then feel surprised by the overwhelm they experience? Do they make statements like, “This wasn’t supposed to take this long!” When your teen feels perpetually stressed because they can’t finish

everything on time, they also feel powerless, victimized by their own to-do lists and the to-do’s other people impose on them. They lack trust in their ability to complete tasks, and in the internal gauge that tells them what is manageable and what’s too much.

Perfectionist

If your teen is spending too much time working on projects until they’re “perfect,” they are relying heavily on the approval of others to feel good about themselves. ”Enough” is not part of their vocabulary, but “more,” “better,” and “improve” are. They have a hard time knowing when a task is complete. Driven by fear, they try to preempt criticism by poking holes in their projects before someone else does. Being over-prepared is a way for them to feel in control and manage their anxiety. Like the Early Bird, they don’t work well under pressure.

How to Help Your Teen with Time Management Anxiety

Once you recognize how time management anxiety is manifesting for your teen, you’ll be able to guide them to identify their feelings, which will help them manage their time. Below are some useful questions to ask your teen depending on their Mode:

Procrastinator When you think about what needs to be done, how do you feel? What happens if you imagine yourself excelling at whatever you’re putting off?

Adrenaline Surfer

When is the rush you get from deadlines helpful and motivating? When is it too much, or paralyzing? Early Bird

What would it feel like to give yourself room to enjoy the process? How could you slow down and still have enough time?

Misjudger How long did a similar task take last time? How is this similar, or different?

Perfectionist

How possible do you think it is for a person to be perfect? How do you know when you’ve done enough?

If none of these questions feel like a fit, simply ask, “What are you worried about? What is your greatest fear?” Nonjudgmentally naming it will help them contain, manage and tolerate it. Most importantly, it will help them know themselves better.

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Staying Present When You’re Anxious About Your Teen’s Future

Dr. Dana Dorfman — Thu, 14 Nov 2019 22:13:57 +0000

You leave yoga class, matcha tea in hand, and vow to approach the day with more gratitude. You walk slowly and mindfully as you savor your tea. You’re committed to following your young and perky yoga teacher’s instructions: Be in the moment. Be mindful. Be present. Be . . .

And then your cell phone buzzes. It’s your son’s guidance counselor. You’re pretty sure she’s calling to give you a heads up about the progress report that will be arriving in your in-box shortly. Despite its name, the report typically indicates a lack of progress. You had a strong suspicion that your son’s closed door, laughter, and Netflix password changes were indicators of his slacking off . . . again.

Disappointed, annoyed, and frankly, embarrassed (after all, who wants to look like that parent?). You imagine what will happen if you don’t develop an immediate action plan. Your fear-drenched imagination predicts that your teen will become like your underachieving, middle-aged brother-in-law who was a capable, but lazy teen who never launched. He still relies on his parents to bail him out because of his poor judgment and Peter Pan syndrome—your parenting nightmare!

As your anxiety accelerates, the calm of yoga class evaporates. You go into crisis mode and make a list of ways to stop your teen’s life from going off the rails. Starting today you’re going to:

Research tutors and executive functioning coaches to help with his horrendous study habits.
Remove all technology from his room and strictly monitor his social media.
Ground him on weekends and force him to focus on homework.
And most importantly, enroll in the unlimited access plan at the yoga studio. You need all the support you can get to deal with this parenting stress!

You tell yourself that this plan is motivated by love for your teen. I would say that it is based in love but is driven by anxiety. Unfortunately, worrying about your teen’s future 5, 10, 20 years down the road is making it harder for you to access the rational, thoughtful, and emotionally present parts of yourself. The more your anxiety spirals, the further you get from being the kind of parent you need to be: focused on who your teen is in the present.

I know this might sound counter-intuitive because so much of parenting is about thinking ahead and preparing. It’s normal to fear that if your teen’s irrational behavior, irresponsibility, and lack of planning persist, they will turn into a poorly functioning adult. But most of the time, it’s actually in the best interest of your teen, and your own sanity, to focus on their developmental needs and who they are right now.

Children’s growth is a process that includes developmental needs, expressions, and stages. In the case of teens, who are in the throes of massive neurological changes, some of their essential developmental needs are to exercise independence, create emotional separation from their parents, and explore their identities. All of these needs involve a laser focus on fitting in with peers and mastering social relationships. Understanding these needs are the first step in helping them find alternative (healthier, effective, adaptive?) ways to express them.

Let’s say for example your daughter is hanging out with a “fast crowd” known for their experimentation. Naturally, these friendships worry you. You immediately want to prevent her from getting into trouble and are tempted to intercede. Rather than punishing, shaming, or criticizing her, try to understand where she is developmentally right now. What does being in this group do for her? Does it help her feel cool, or like she fits in? Is there a part of her that wants to push limits or boundaries? These are all normal needs for a teen. You might not like how she’s fulfilling those needs, but in order to know how to parent her, you have to step back from your anxiety and look for a logical, developmental explanation.

I’m by no means encouraging you to indulge, excuse, or rationalize away concerns or issues that warrant your parenting attention. I’m suggesting that you use their present developmental stage as a backdrop for addressing those issues. Understanding doesn’t mean endorsing, agreeing with, or indulging your teen. It means validating their intentions, desires, and emotions. We all do things for emotional reasons. If your teen feels like you understand why they’re acting the way they are, their inner world will feel safe and valid. They’ll be more likely to come to you when they’re struggling.

The next time your teen does something that makes your heart pound with anxiety, remember the words of your Lululemon-clad yoga instructor: Be present. Once you’ve reeled yourself back from the edge of your teen’s apocalyptic future and into the present, try these steps.

Identify anxiety’s role in your reaction.
Acknowledge and manage your worry. This can keep it from occupying the driver’s seat of your parenting and help you be more rational. Try saying to yourself, “I know this makes me anxious. I know I worry about the future, but I don’t need to conflate love and worry.“

Consciously indulge your anxiety to understand its roots.
Allow yourself to go to the worst-case scenario. This step ensures that your anxiety doesn’t derail your response to your teen’s behavior. Ask yourself: What is my greatest fear? What’s the worst-case scenario? Does someone from when I went to middle school, or high school come to mind when I think about what my teen is doing? Why do I think that person acted that way?

Validate your teen’s underlying emotions and desires.
This may be the hardest step. Ask your teen about the behavior you’re worried about while keeping in mind where they are developmentally. Discuss it with them in a neutral way (no snark, judgment, or sarcasm!). For example, if your teen is hanging out with the “fast crowd” you might ask: What is it about x that you like? How do you feel when you’re with x? Do other people or activities give you this same feeling? Chances are that your teen will dismiss, minimize, or feign interest when you ask these questions. Validating their needs and inquiring about alternative ways to have them met is a process you’ll repeat throughout their adolescence. Plus, learning self-reflection and self-examination skills now will serve them well in their adulthood.

Your teen’s desires, rather than your fears for their future, need your attention. I’m not making a pitch for limitless parenting, or permissiveness, or “Do whatever you want it will all work out.” But I can tell you that if you’re worried about your teen’s future, shaming them for trying to fulfill a developmentally appropriate need will definitely interfere with their healthy development. Teaching them to berate themselves for their mistakes will simply paralyze them and create more obstacles.

Being mindful, or present as a parent means being tuned into your teen’s current state. Their brain and their experience is not the same as yours, nor should it be. When you make an attempt to meet them where they are, it will smooth the lines of communication and create fewer battles. Approaching their behavior with compassion and understanding will help them gain insight into their own motives and learn how to be compassionate with themselves. It will also help you feel more in control as a parent because you’ll no longer be operating from an emotionally reactive place. Your response to their behavior will become more deliberate, thoughtful, and rational.

So the next time you come out of yoga class and your teen does something that could erase your savasana glow, stay focused on their needs in the present, not your fears for their future. Try to understand why they’re behaving the way they are from a developmental perspective and you’ll build a foundation for a more satisfying future for you both.

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How to Motivate Your “Lazy” Teen with Empathy, Reflection, and Collaborative Brainstorming

Dr. Dana Dorfman — Tue, 15 Oct 2019 15:54:44 +0000

Are you a high achieving parent with a teen who doesn’t seem to have the kind of drive that you do?

You probably feel like you’ve tried everything to motivate them to do what needs to be done whether it’s homework, SAT prep, piano practice, or college applications. You may have even lost your temper a little because you can’t understand why they’re procrastinating, resisting, and avoiding. You may have even said to a friend in exasperation, “What’s wrong with them?”

Here’s the thing. There’s nothing wrong with them. There are internal forces causing their resistance. Believe me, I know how well-meaning your intentions are, but unfortunately your current strategies (yes, well-intended and based on experience, I get it) are less than ideal. And while it may be tempting to be snarky, berate, criticize, or even to shame, such attempts temporarily shift behavior, but they won’t cure your teen’s lack of motivation.

It’s easy to inadvertently (and lovingly) underestimate or misaddress the powerful emotional components of motivation. But do not despair! I‘m pleased to report that when you address these emotional factors, your teen will become authentically motivated and develop the kind of work ethic you’ve worked so hard to instill in yourself and in them.

I encourage you to try these three steps to help your teen access their own internal motivation: 1. empathize, 2. reflect, and 3. brainstorm.

Step One: Empathize with Your Teen’s Lack of Motivation

I know how frustrating it is for you as a hard working parent to watch your teen seem to take a nap in the backseat of their life. And I understand how much you want to help them change, but sometimes our efforts to “help” our teens actually prevent them from tuning into their own process. Setting their own goals and devising their own ways to achieve them will cultivate feelings of satisfaction and mastery (key ingredients in the secret sauce of internal drive) rather than resistance to external pressure.

Focus your energy on trying to understand what they’re going through. Chances are you can think of something that happened to you recently when you really wanted to do something, but couldn’t get yourself to do it.

My nagging sugar addiction is an example I often use to help patients empathize with their teen’s lack of motivation. The sweets in our kitchen pantry, freezer, and candy jar knock on my conscience’s door nightly. Like a seduced and then regretful lover, I break up with them each morning. I passionately declare that I will never see them again and banish them as I remind myself of their ill effects on my mood and waistline.

But invariably when I’m tired after a long day, the comfort, familiarity, and yes, the sweetness of the snacks serves as an immediate antidote to stress. Similar to your defeated, disappointed, and seemingly lazy teen, I vow to start afresh the following day.

Now, I’m not stuffing myself with cookies because I’m an innately self-destructive person who yearns for bad moods or an expanded waistline. I am a person with emotions (which we all have!) who sometimes allows my deeper feelings to overrun my rational goals. But when I acknowledge, validate, and reflect on my emotional need to feel soothed, comforted, and nurtured, I’m able to find other ways to treat myself when I’m worn out.

I promise you that although they may appear nonchalant, your teen doesn’t feel good about not accomplishing things. They don’t want to continue in the way they have been, but their emotional needs are calling the shots, and emotions almost always win over logic. When our emotions lead us down paths we don’t want to take, that can lead to frustration. Before we can affect behavioral change, we need to recognize and listen to challenging feelings like frustration, incompetence, and ineffectiveness – a slippery slope of internal negativity that can feel insurmountable and inevitable.

Some of us are born with grit, some of us develop it, and others give up easily. If your teen has a low threshold for difficult emotions, they need your understanding, not your judgment. It’s hard for them to feel, tolerate, and manage discouragement – especially if it happens repeatedly. Having empathy for your teen’s challenges is the first step to increasing their motivation.

Step Two: Encourage Your Teen to Reflect on the Emotional Ingredients of Motivation Sauce: Competence, Mastery, and Self-efficacy

The next time your teen doesn’t do something you think they should (e.g. study for a test), avoid jumping on the shame wagon. Instead, begin to explore the emotional factors that are tripping up their process. Frame it for them (and yourself) as a mystery yet to be solved, not a disappointment that needs to be fixed. Collaboratively and nonjudgmentally begin to search for the emotional obstacles that are causing your child to procrastinate or underachieve.

You might start by helping them connect the emotional dots. Guide them to reflect on a time when they made a goal and achieved it like this:

“I remember when you wanted to improve your ice skating so you could make the hockey team. Every Saturday morning (even when you were tired), you would get up, get dressed (even when it was so cold out) and go to the rink. You fell down a lot and some days were better than others, but you were determined to do it. And each Saturday you got a little better.

I remember seeing the look of pride and accomplishment on your face as you improved. I was proud of you, but more importantly, I was glad practicing felt so good to you. The more you skated the better you got. Because of all your hard work, you made the team.”

Note the avoidance of the reflexive “snark trap” by not saying something like, ”You were able to work hard to get on the team, but when it comes to school, forget it.” You want to steer clear of shaming and labeling the behavior you’re not happy with as a character flaw.

By letting your teen know you have faith in them, and by guiding them to reflect on times when they experienced feelings of mastery, competence and self efficacy, you’ll help them believe it’s possible to achieve whatever they want.

Step Three: Collaboratively Brainstorm How to Maintain Motivation

Your teen’s laziness may be a cue that the drive they need to move from desire to execution has been derailed by feelings of inadequacy, incompetence, and anxiety. You can support them by helping them to identify what they want to do, and how they want to get there with questions like these:

If the world was perfect, how would you like this to work? What would make you feel really good?
What would help you get there? What steps are required?
What feelings might stop you from getting where you want to go?
How will you motivate yourself on the days when you’re feeling the feeling from #3? What has helped you in the past?
Is there’s a way that you think I can be helpful? Or is there something I do that is not helpful that you want to tell me about?

If your teen has trouble answering #4, ask, “May I make a suggestion?” If they say yes, offer a variety of options and let them choose so they can feel in control. Be aware that the tools you use to achieve goals may not work for your teen. Help them find a process that fits their personality. As your teen works through the plan they created, check in with them periodically and ask, “How are you feeling about this plan? Is it working for you?”

It’s totally understandable if you feel frustrated as a parent by your teen’s laziness. It’s important to remember that their lack of motivation is not a character flaw, but a characteristic they are struggling to develop. Be aware that you are probably judging them like you judge yourself.

The best way to guide your teen through these kinds of challenges is to let them know you understand how they’re feeling, reflect on previously mastered challenges, and brainstorm ways to identify what they want and create their own plan for how to get there.

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